Modern train tickets conveniently have a nice shiny surface whereupon stamps can be rubbed out until for all purposes they look like a fresh ticket that can be reused. On one such occasion a conductor was totally oblivious to this trickery but tried to state the ticket wasn't valid at that particular time of day. It bloody well was. He got so incensed by a superior knowledge of ticket pricing that he ripped the ticket up. Don't you just hate it when officious arseholes don't know their jobs properly? Luckily I had another equally bent ticket in my pocket to get me to my destination. Ha.

The desperate conductor is coming for you
The devil stole his fare book and his gripper too
All tickets are now valid via Timbuktu
He'll argue the case until his face turns blue

You can rip up my ticket but I'll still get home

The devil took his soul, sucked out the clag
Muted his whistle, put starch on his flag
Wiped clean the rule book when he lost his rag
Totalled my ticket, I've another in my bag

You can rip up my ticket but I'll still get home

He's on slow-speed control, he walks like a zombie
His cranium pierced by a 'B.R.1' key
His ticket machine has gone all wonky
He's a self-obsessed power-mad junkie

You can rip up my ticket but I'll still get home

"Stuff you, TTI". I said "Stuff you, TTI"
You can rip up my ticket but I'll still get home


A Friend in Need is a Pest
Air-Con One
@ Fuck
Another Boring Eastfield Song
Beast of Bratislava
Big Brother
Broad Street Trash
Burt Reynolds Rides Again
Bury Vic Berry
Cancer of the Universe
Chiddingfold General
CI5 Revisited
Cigarettes and Tourettes
Come to Bevland
David Icke
Drive on Henry
Don't Phone Back
Eate Yourself Dead
Eddie Watson
Elvis is Dead and Jazz is Shit
Everything is Marvellous
Fare Dodging
Fortuna Hell
Get a Grip
God's Plastic Railway
Grant the Lumberjack (old)
Grant the Lumberjack (new)
Grica Hate
Hearing Nothing About a Revolution
How to Rip Off Your Band Mates
Hucknal! Get Out of my Car!
Humour Exclusion Zone
It's Gotta be a Record Breaker
Jeremy's Dream
John's Not Mad
Jostick Head
Jumping Someone Else's Train
Just Like the Sixties
Keep on Tracking the Train
La Jonquera
Mick Murphy's Dirty Bar
Milton of Leys
Money Money Money Money
Mr. Willis
Off the Rails
Pedigree Scum
Peace and Love Muthafucka
Plastic Buddha (Kwai)
Port Talbot Transport Police
Radio West
Rod, Hull and Emo
Sharks Against Surfers
Sky Burial at Warton Crag
Summer Hill Blues
The Black Hole (Fekete Ut)
The Cult of Ted Moult
The Gasman
The Second Fastest Cycle Courier in London
Three Chords Good, Four Chords Bad
Three Seats
Todd Landers
Tudor House Painter
Weston Super Scare
Why do people sing about riots?

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